God is bigger.

I’m feeling so discouraged. I’ve never studied this much or like that for an exam in my life, ever. I’ve been studying almost non-stop for nearly a week. I even talked to the professor. I wish I’d explained more to him though…I wish I’d done more. However, I felt like there wasn’t much more I COULD do (I taught the material to several friends, including the professor – I could answer their questions, I could say it backwards and forwards)… I didn’t fail it. But, I also didn’t do as well as I thought I did. I got a 75. This means I missed TEN questions. That’s a lot when there are only 40 questions. That’s ¼ of the test. Ridiculous. Ugh. This was the second test. I failed the first one. I’d studied a lot for it too, but not as much as I studied for this one. I cannot get an “A” in the course anymore. My goal is a “B” anyway. This course is tough. I knew that coming in. I dropped it last semester. However, I am still discouraged. I came out of that test feeling so confident, feeling like I’d done really well. *Sigh*.

I want to run away. I want to give up. I want to quit. This is dumb.

I do this all the time, though. I always want to run from something. I always want to hide from something or generally someone (or someones). I even run and hide from God. I wrote tonight in my journal: “I keep running…why? What’s the root of this? Why do I feel so anxious? Why am I so afraid? Why do I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need.” I freak out all the time. I start running. Eventually, I realize this is ridiculous…God knows what I need. And, I run back to Him. It takes a while, usually, though. Oh me of so little faith!

I’m not a quitter. I usually don’t quit anything, actually. It takes a lot for me to decide to give up. I actually cannot believe I ended up dropping this course last semester. It was honestly one of the better decisions I’ve made in my life though. There is no reason to drop it this semester, but I want to. However, that’s just fear kicking in – fear that I will do worse on the next two exams. Fear that somehow I will still fail the class, even though I’m trying so hard. I guess I have some hope that my professor will have some mercy on me though…I’ve asked him how I can do better; I have done ALL of his suggestions; I even explained the material to him!

This is a multifaceted problem, I suppose. I think my life could be summed up like Genesis 32 (Jacob Wrestles With God). I feel like I’m wrestling with God most of the time. He always wins, though; and always shows me something through it…but…man…I kind of just want peace.

I want to know God, for real. I want to worship Him and Him alone. I don’t want any idols in my life. I don’t want to keep running, I don’t want to keep hiding, I don’t want to keep fighting. I want to be able to say “HOLY HOLY HOLY IS THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!” (Rev. 4:8) and MEAN it. I don’t want to just be going through motions. I don’t want to just “look” godly. I don’t want to be complacent. I don’t want to be lukewarm. I want passion. I want a passion for Him. God, I need more of you. Set a fire down in my soul! I want more of you!

Even though I’m feeling discouraged…I can still find hope in God. Christ overcame the world…(John 16:33).

On another note…I think God speaks to me a lot through some songs. The one that is on repeat in my head tonight comes from Psalm 51. It is a song by Jon Foreman called “White as Snow”. You should check it out if you get the chance…

Would you create in me a clean heart, Oh God?
Restore in me the joy of your salvation
The sacrifices of our God
are a broken and a contrite heart
Against you and you alone have I sinned
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole

Renew me, God.

My discouragement is so small. God is way bigger than a silly exam.