It’s nearly 3 AM, and as I lie awake, unable to fall asleep, I think about this summer and all the ways God worked in my life (and MANY lives) at LT (leadership training) in Estes Park, CO at the YMCA of the Rockies. I wanted to write them all down, and I felt compelled to share them with you. The following details my thoughts.
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Last September, I wrote in my journal that “I doubt all the time that God could ever use me – use my story. Or that God even wants to.” I doubted that my story was “very good”, was something “worth sharing”.
A few weeks ago, I realized how erroneous my thinking had been. God shattered these lies and showed me something greater – He taught me, and I believe said to me, “I will use your story for my good and my glory – you just have to be willing to share, to talk about what I have done in your life”.
On more than one occasion this summer, my story greatly impacted another’s life (I was told by those struggling with serious issues that my openness about my own struggles encouraged them to be open about their own – wow! How powerful!). Another was encouraged by God’s pursuit of me. (I won’t even mention the ways other people’s stories inspired and impacted me – but, let’s just say, God can and WILL use YOUR story, too)
God taught me to be bold in sharing my story, and He greatly blessed me with encouragement because of obedience in stepping out in faith to be open, to be vulnerable, to be real. Boldness was one of my biggest goals for the summer at LT – I wrote that I wanted to grow in boldness; boldness to share, to pray, to encourage, to be open, to love. I was encouraged to “just do it; to pray about it, but to also TAKE ACTION – to start walking in the desires of your heart; Surrender”. God provided the strength to do so.
I felt God pushing me more and more in these areas – my patience was tested (a LOT), but this taught me how to love – how to love in times when it’s hard to love. Also, though, I learned how to be loved, to let others love me (something I have a hard time with, sometimes). My pride was broken (at least some pieces of the “pie”). I continue to be humbled.
God continued to show me His love (for me) – both through others, through (of all things) songs, and through His word. I also learned more about what it means to truly follow Him. I was both convicted and inspired by Stephen’s story in Acts chapter 7. I began to pray for THAT kind of faith – a faith willing to die for that which I believe. But, even greater (in my opinion), a LOVE that says “Lord, forgive those who harm me – even harm me to the point of death” (inspired by Acts 7:59 – “Lord, do not hold this sin against them!”). This is still a prayer I’m praying and something I want to earnestly seek – honestly, some days, it’s very difficult to pray that prayer.
God provided this summer in ways I doubted He could. The first few weeks were lonely and uncertain. I felt out of place. I felt unloved. I felt unwanted. I feel strongly that some of this was attack – to keep me OUT of community, as much as possible. But, with some prayer (my own and that of others back home), I received the strength I needed to fight through the lies and found some amazing friends. I built relatively few relationships, but the ones I did build I have no doubt I will keep for a very long time.
This was also a summer of conviction. Where have I not been living a sold-out life for Christ? Authenticity. Many times, I want to find a “good story” or “sound more Godly”, so that’s how I spend my “quiet time”, instead of seeking God, instead of hearing from Him and resting in His presence. I also realized how many times I think about embellishing parts of my story – to make myself seem more “awesome”, as if God hadn’t done enough, as if God wasn’t still working, as if God wasn’t the main author of it anyway. God wrote, and continues to write, my story, and He’s done an amazing job so far – I need to give Him more of the credit, I need to thank Him for what He has done and continues to do. I need to be more authentic. I think the church desperately needs authentic leaders – people willing to say “I’m not perfect, but God is working”.
In the spring, God showed me much of His power, and began to teach me just how much He cares for ALL of creation – He began to become both a more personal God and a more GLOBAL God. He is bigger than me and my problems (although those still matter). I witnessed so many times this summer so many who were actively sharing God’s Word with, literally, the World (many international students come to work at the YMCA of the Rockies). I was able to participate in “cold-turkey evangelism” on the streets of Boulder, CO. I was able to learn to share God’s Word with others and how to “go and tell all nations of the Good News” (and see people encouraged by it!) – something I want to do more of, something I hope to practice even at home.
Lastly, I realized that God works DEEPLY in my loneliness (or at least my times alone) – I realize my need for Him. When I am constantly “going”, I forget that He is there – I forget that I need Him, I forget to pursue Him. Yet, I still hear a small voice – “follow me, chase me”. I noticed, even more, my great need for Him and His truth, His Word.
I still struggle with seeking God in everything, I still struggle with being completely authentic/real (and open), I still struggle with pride, I still struggle with doubt (occasional doubt of “everything” – existence, included, but more-so doubt of God’s goodness and power), and I still struggle with lies related to past experiences, but God is teaching me that He can overcome all of that, and that even though we will have trouble, we may have peace in Him – “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (Jesus speaking; John 16:32-33)
So, I guess overall, I’ve been emboldened, but also torn down – pride (in my own self) broken, but built up to do God’s work. I really just want to be an encouragement and a light to others – in whatever capacity God sees fit.
Go out, be bold and tell your story, be encouraged.
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