Surrender through doubt

Surrender is so unnatural.

I think, lately, I’ve fallen into a place of trying to find every excuse NOT to surrender. “My life is comfortable; surrendering to GOD is not.”

Falling into doubt is natural for me – it’s been my greatest struggle, but also the greatest faith-strengthening tool. When I begin to doubt who God is, His goodness, His love for me (and the World), my mind wanders off and I begin to question everything I’ve experienced about Him so far. Through the doubt, I ask many questions, many tough questions. Sometimes, I get answers, and sometimes, I don’t (or, not really).

Sometimes, doubt seems to be lifted away as quickly as it entered – other times, I wrestle for a long time before I finally see “the light”. Through it, I cling to faith – hoping for answers, wishing for peace, and eventually realizing it was there all along – God was still there, through my pain and my doubt.

“Doubt is not unbelief – the decision not to have faith in God. Unbelief is an act of will, rather than a difficulty understanding… Faith and doubt aren’t mutually exclusive – but faith and unbelief are.” – Alister McGrath

I think, often, doubt is seen as unbelief. It became unbelief when I chose to let it in 2007/2008. God has chased me my entire life (it is so evident when I tell my story – I cannot believe I never recognized it before) and when He finally caught me and brought me into His arms at the end of 2009, I surrendered. Doubt no longer leads me to unbelief – doubt leads me to questions, which leads me to answers, which leads me to strength in faith, in times of trouble, and in love and awe of God. In the case that doubt does not lead me to answers – it still leads me to an understanding of God that I did not have before – a seeking out of Him.

While I hate my struggle with doubt, I also love it – it brings me nearer to God (even if in the “night” it seems to take me farther away from Him).

 "If ours is an examined faith, we should be unafraid to doubt. If doubt is eventually justified, we were believing what clearly was not worth believing. But if doubt is answered, our faith has grown stronger. It knows God more certainly and it can enjoy God more deeply.” – C.S. Lewis

Do not be afraid to ask questions. Do not be afraid to seek God more deeply through those tough questions. Do not be afraid to doubt.

Doubt has strengthened my faith.

 “I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They’re bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won’t let me go”
-Natalie Grant (I will not be moved) 

“No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm – I will come to you” –John 14:8

Remember: God will never leave. He is there. He is listening.

Lord, I want to surrender to you – my doubts, my insecurities, the lies I believe. I want to wholly give my life to you. You say, “Seek and you shall find” – I have sought and I have found, I am seeking and I am finding; I want to continue to seek you – for who you really are. I want to fall more and more in love with you. Thank you for chasing me, and never letting go. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for saving me.

(Warning: Be careful with doubt. Seek God. Do not give up. Do not quit praying, do not quit reading the Bible, and do not quit seeking Him – in all things. But, don’t be afraid to face hard questions. Also, let people in – let them know your struggle – you never know what God might speak through someone else…perhaps…they’ve been there too; Even if not – prayer is powerful, I’m learning that more and more).